Many women, including me, have been groomed for marriage from the moment we emerged from the womb. After my daughters were born, I can't tell you how many people told my husband, "Hey, that's two weddings you have to pay for, Buddy." (His response? "I'm really more concerned about paying for their educations.") I probably don't have to tell you that the pressure intensifies once a girl's friends start getting married. Then, all of a sudden, every well-meaning aunt, brother-in-law, and clerk at the 7-11 want to know when she's going to find a man and follow suit. What often happens next is that a nice young woman starts feeling the heat. She gets desperate. She focuses less on what she wants out of life and more on the size of the diamond she wants in her engagement ring. Instead of enjoying dates and really getting to know a guy, she only wants to know whether he's the man who'll make all her little girl dreams come true by asking her to marry him. Eventually, somebody shows up with a ring, and she starts auditioning wedding bands. She obsesses over whether the hunter green tablecloth is superior to the buttercup yellow for the reception. She plans a honeymoon with the strategic precision of a military invasion. But she's neglected to do the most important thing, which is to ask herself if she really wants to spend the rest of her life with the guy in question. Lest you think I exaggerate, a very good friend of mine spent Saturday night crying because her husband (the one who came with the 2-carat diamond in a platinum setting, the college degree, the well-paying job, and the 4-bedroom house) would not allow her to go out with the girls, even though he knew she'd had plans to do so for five weeks. Turns out, he didn't feel like watching their four children, even though he regularly leaves her with them to go away for weekends with his pals. Another friend who fell for the fairy tale and woke up in the dungeon recently got divorced. Her husband also provided a blinding gemstone and an excellent salary. He came from a "good family" and the right religious background. He kept a photo of my friend on his desk at his prestigious firm, where she was not allowed to visit because he feared she would embarrass him (trust me, she wouldn't). He complained that her breasts were distracting and insisted she have them surgically reduced. He informed her that if she gained a single pound over 125, their marriage was over. If you think these examples are extreme, I'm sorry to say they really aren't. Go to dinner in a family restaurant on a Friday or Saturday night and witness all the married couples who don't even talk to each other. You don't want to end up like these people. To make sure you don't, take your time when you're dating someone. After a while, if your relationship seems to be heading somewhere, ask questions that matter: Does the guy want children? More important, what are his beliefs about the raising of children? Who takes care of household chores? What are his feelings about infidelity? Does he believe marriage is for life, or does he think it should last only as long as it's fun? You don't necessarily want to tie the guy to a chair and torture him with Christina Aguilera records until he coughs up the answers, but you do want to ask him. Casually. One question at a time. Get to know a guy before you start fantasizing about floating up an aisle in a big white dress. One of the great things about being single is that your world is full of possibilities. You're free to come and go as you please. You never want to find yourself crying your eyes out, trapped with a pack of screaming children because you married some loser who won't let you out of the house. It's your life. You deserve to spend it with a man who respects that and makes you truly happy. He's out there, so hold out for him. Please. |
