Liars lie because they can lie. Over time they become experts in lying Their success today depend on their ability to lie. They have become dependent on this habit. Lying gives them a feeling of control in a situation they cannot control. Notice the word "feel". In other words, they assume they cannot control the situation if they don't lie. Let us try to justify why we lie? The world we live in teach us that we are not allowed to fail. Our parents want us to achieve, they tell us that cowboys don't cry, they punish us when we fail.... They use different punishing tools; physical or emotional to manipulate us. For example, Jonny's mother shouts at her son, "Jonny, why did you break the window?" Jonny doesn't want to disappoint his family and tells a quick lie, "It wasn't me. It's that naughty Peter!" His mother shouts back, "You're a little liar - it was you. Go to your room now!" His mother assumed that he broke the window and never gave him the opportunity to explain how the window got broken. She accused him without listening to his side of the story and reinforces his lying habit. It doesn't take long for Jonny to believe he is a liar. It is clear that Jonny cannot reason with his dominating mother and he realises that he needs to practice his lying skills to avoid pain. We all want to move away from pain and by realizing that by lying the first time... it worked... we then use the lying habit again and again. We then practice the lying habit and we become expert liars. Parents and society in general prefer to avoid risk and failure. By avoiding risk they help to create liars. Children are not allowed take risks and when they fail they get punished. They then use lies to avoid failure. They get reminded of their lying habit, which reinforces their failure and therefore feeding their lying habit. How do you help the liar? 1) Take stock of your own character. If you create the situations, where the Jonnies of this world revert to lying then you need help. How do you create the opportunity for Jonny to lie? Most of the time you may be manipulative, you threaten, you are jealous, suspicious or you may have the worst habit in life - by being a perfectionist! 2) Accept that the lying behaviour is not the person. This may be difficult for you to accept. The liar uses the behaviour to cope with his or her situation. Can you help to create an environment where lying is not necessary? Can you recognise the lie and address the behaviour rather than punishing the liar? Can you disassociate yourself from the emotional affect the lie may have on you? Can you disassociate the person from the lying behaviour? Remember that lying is a choice and therefore the liar can choose to change. As soon as you look at the behaviour (the action) and address that instead of the person you are on the winning path. 3) You and the liar must accept that lying is a choice and that lying is bad for the relationship. You know that the liar lies and you and the liar must accept and agree that he or she is a liar. Now you have the basis to work towards a new beginning. 4) Allow people do make mistakes and must take risks. If you want to help the liar, ask yourself if you are a perfectionist (somebody who likes to do things properly and who expects only the best from other people). The liar will not be able to change the lying behaviour overnight and will fail from time to time and you need to move away from your comfort zone and allow space for the behaviour to change. 5) Forgive the liar and forgive yourself. The liar carries a lot of baggage. The worst being the emotional drain caused by lying because their inner self reminds them that lying is incorrect. Liars have another problem: They need to remember what they said. (I am not taking about a psychopath). By forgiving, you can unload the guilt you carry and you'll find it easier to focus on the lying habit and not the person. 6) Keep a diary on how the lying affects your life. As I mentioned above you must take stock of your own character. The best way to do this is to keep a dairy of how lying affects you, how you react and what emotions it stirs in your life. Use a dairy as a feedback system for your own growth and on how you can help the liar. |
