One of the major points I make in an "anxiety self-help" ebook I just released is that if you are nice to others, it will come back to you in incredibly positive ways! And conversely, if you are mean to someone, remember...as they say..."Be careful of what you think or say to others. It will come back to you three fold." I must elaborate on this... Listen, when someone is not very nice to you, it doesn't feel particularly good. Doesn't it just make ya want to say all sorts of horrible things to that person'!! Getting angry and wanting to spout off to that particular individual is a natural response...so, don't worry. Here's the thing...remember how outrageously awful it feels to have someone criticize, belittle, devalue, or undermine you. Now, hold that thought for a moment... This is the difficult part: ...I ask that you walk in that "mean" person's shoes for a moment...think about how low their self-esteem must be, for them to have to say such nasty things to you...try to feel their depressive state. Think about how injured their ego must be...how sad and insecure they must feel inside. The key is to to make a sincere effort to empathize (i.e. walk in their shoes) with that person. Try...as difficult as it may be...to feel what they may be feeling. Next...Let go of these thoughts...release any thinking of this person's experience. Now...Whether you are alone in the room or seeing a counselor, bring thoughts into your mind of how horrible YOU felt when they said these distasteful and uncalled-for things to you. Feel your own pain...let yourself experience feeling angry...cry...emote...or punch a pillow if you must! Write your feelings down if ya have to! Personally, I'm a big fan of writing down one's feelings in a journal. (Note: Sometimes anger can really overwhelm someone. If you feel more comfortable thinking about and expressing feelings of anger with a counselor present, then by all means, do so!) Next...think...take a huge breath, come into your rational state of mind...get out of your "reactionary" mode and into a more "proactive" mode. Consider the appropriate words you might like to say to that person without being totally cruel, relentless, and stooping to his or her level. Then, wait until the next day (usually it helps to wait a day or two) in order to be refreshed, think logically, and feel calmer. Remember...you were A LOT more anxious at the moment that person verbally tore you apart, than you are when you are relaxed and refreshed the next day. That's why it's important that you take the time to sleep it off, get relaxed, and feel calmer. Next, take a pen to paper and write down what you'd like to say to that person...how you'd like to express yourself. Perhaps you'd like to tell that that person how much he or she hurt you. It may take awhile to come up with the words. But you must determine a way to say what you need to say to that person, in a firm but non-abusive manner. Now...here's the weird part... Did you know that expressing your feelings in a cruel, unbridled, uncensored, reactionary way actually GIVES you MORE anxiety!'? Yep! It does! And so that is why I emphasize "thinking things out" before you speak or write to that person..."rationalizing" and using logic while in a calm state of mind, when expressing your retort to that not-so-nice individual! You see...even though you are saying something distasteful to that individual, you are stating it in a way that won't make you MORE anxious/stressed...you are being the responsible, character-filled, "bigger" adult in this scenario...and that means a lot! Conclusion... So...bottom line...when you find yourself in a confrontative situation where someone is mistreating you or is even downright verbally or mentally abusive toward you, take a step back, breath in, become logical, say what you have to say, but take the high road! You'll find that your conscience will be clear...and that you are the better person! And most importantly, that your anxiety-level is significantly decreased. |
