What do you do if your kids fight and argue with each other? Do you make a plea for peace, order the combatants to their bedrooms or lay the blame on the child who caused the infraction? It is almost impossible to stay out of kids fighting because they are usually noisy and invariably one child will call on mum or dad to intervene. My research indicates that sibling fighting is a concern to parents in three out of every four families with more than one child. Certainly this is the issue that most parents want to discuss when they come to my parenting seminars. It is important to have a realistic attitude to children's disputes. When adults live together under one roof there are bound to be disagreements. Why should children be any different? Conflict itself is not harmful, but the way disagreements are resolved is the issue that generally concerns parents. Look at the nature of most disputes. They generally begin as a disagreement over some minor issue such as the choice of television programs, the result of a game or a refusal to share. I have seen my children fight over the earth-shattering issues of who should sit in the front seat of the car. The issues children fight over may be minor but the resulting disturbance of the peace can be extremely hard for parents to deal with. They often occur when we are busy and have little time to handle them effectively. Kids fights usually have a number of predictable phases. The first is the quiet stage when one child annoys, niggles or even criticises another. The dispute enters phase two as the noise level rises and children become agitated or belligerent. The fight is now almost in full swing so parents need to brace themselves for stage three which is the moving phase when the fight shifts from one area of the house to another accompanied by the use of insults, shouting and door slamming. It may even become physical. The fight usually climaxes when one or all parties involved come to you in tears, telling tales or looking for justice with that old line, "Mum, she hit me and I didn't do anything." It is probably time to reach for the walkman, turn the volume up on the television or make yourself scarce. Anything for some peace and quiet! Fortunately, there are strategies that parents can use that dramatically reduce the amount, frequency and intensity of fights that happen in families. One simple preventative strategy is the use of regular team briefs. Once a week parents sit with their children in a quiet place and discuss family issues and concerns as well as talk about positive things that have happened in the past week. Invariably kids' conflict and issues kids fight about are raised. This gives children both a voice and parents an opportunity to teach children how to resolve conflict reasonably and quietly. My research shows that families that have a conflict resolution process in place, such as team briefs or family meetings experience a significant reduction in kids fighting. |
