Nancy Kalish, Ph.D. is the author of Lost & Found Lovers, a book about her research on people who go back to lost loves. She has been doing this work for 11 years, and has a web site, www,lostlovers.com, with a discussion board. Now she has completed a new survey of adults who have not tried a reunion with a lost love. Her findings suggest that men may be more "romantic" than women. We too often define "romantic" in women's terms -- the flowers and cards, saving items and putting them in a scrapbook or listening to romantic songs all day long. The men may not do these things, but they do something more romantic than all that: Dr. Kalish's survey asked "how long did it take for you to get over your lost love?' The men tended to take longer to get over a lost love than the women. And some of the men were not satisfied with the survey choices.. The last choice listed was, "Over 10 years."Only the men crossed out all the choices and wrote, "I never got over her." While no doubt some women never got over their lost loves either, only the men wrote this comment in the margins. Adolescent boys are not supposed to cry for a lost love. But many of Dr. Kalish's male participants cried hard, in private, nightly...for months. This is not just a reunion phenomenon. Dr. Kalish is finding the same results in her First Love experience survey - for adults who have never tried a reunion with a lost love. There are significantly more men who chose to answer this survey than women, and they express strong feelings for their first loves, even though they have not contacted her (and may never do so). Members of Dr. Kalish's web site, who are permitted to post messages, seem to be more represented by women than men. But Kalish warns that appearances are misleading. There are slightly more men who paid to join than women. The men don't post as often as the women -- but they are reading! Men are less likely to initiate leaving their marriages than women, and over the last few years, there is little difference between the number of men who have affairs versus the number of women. As more women entered the workplace, they found the same temptations there. Dr. Kalish also offers private phone consultations. Men more often want to talk to her about their lost loves than women. But it is a rare magazine that is pitched to men that will print a story about love and romance. The media think men are uninterested. Not so! As Valentine's Day approaches, we should all remember that men express themselves differently -- and that does not mean worse than -- women. If women want men to open up, says Kalish, they have to take men on their own terms, not try to make them express their feelings like a woman would. Men may not make scrapbooks of their love experiences, but they are every bit as loving, loyal, and yes, romantic, as women. You have permission to publish this article electronically or in print, free of charge, as long as the bylines are included. Please notify me of your intention to print. A courtesy copy of your publication would be appreciated. |
